What Does Work have to do with God?

I have been enjoying reading “Every Good Endeavor” by famed New York Pastor Timothy Keller. Although not a Catholic, he does from time to time quote Catholic scholars alongside his deep admiration for Calvin and Luther- but overall for anyone looking to understand how secular work fits into their calling from God, this is an excellent book to read.

There is much I could expand upon, but one point caused me to really pause- and that is the incessant and relentless pursuit of experiential pleasures in today’s world. Keller makes the point that the ancients would have said that a life well lived was one which was lived with “character, courage, humility, love and justice.” Today, our advertising tells us that if we buy the products they are selling, we will have happiness because our identities are defined by the stuff we have. Sad.

The qualities that define a life well lived are clearly confused in today’s world. When success equals “stuff” – whether that stuff is money, status, education, a fancy house etc- it is all so much dust. A big point that Keller makes in this book is that we were made by God to work – just as God worked in the creation of the Universe. As creatures made in his image and likeness we won’t be happy if we aren’t working. But work should not become an idol- and a “high status” job is not more valuable in the eyes of God than a “low status” job. The question is whether a person is doing their job with integrity, and whether in doing their job they are positively impacting the people they come in contact with.

Another point that Keller makes, is that we are- as a society- filled with the “means” to get stuff done. Particularly with the advances that have been made in technology, our abilities are far beyond what could have been imagined even 50 years ago. But without a clear “end” in mind, these abilities could be leading us in a very bad direction. It is shocking how few young people realize that the 20th century was the most brutal and deadly of all centuries, and this ability to kill millions and millions of people is largely due to new technologies that were deployed for very bad ends. There is no reason to expect the 21st century to be any better.

This brings me back to the notion of focusing on a life well lived being one that is lived with character, humility, love, courage and justice. As parents, as teachers, as parishioners and citizens- how can we come together to change the narrative around what we value as a society and encourage one another to step away from the messages that this culture feeds us about what matters? Here are a few of my thoughts:

  1. Read the Bible every day. Just 4 chapters a day will get you through the Bible in about a year. Why should you read the Bible? Because there is no new problem under the sun. Check out the Book of Esther for a great example of how to live a life of courage against huge odds.
  2. Turn off the TV – or at least be hugely selective about what you watch. I am a huge EWTN fan- but if I allow myself I can also slip into mindlessly watching garbage just as much as the next person. Garbage in, garbage out- plus it’s a huge waste of time.
  3. Develop a network of people who can support you spiritually- and keep you in check- on cultivating the values that you want to be strong in.
  4. Pray, and pray some more. There is nothing more powerful than the daily rosary. It is an excellent place to start to really meditate on the mysteries of the life of Christ.
  5. Examine your work life. Why do you do what you do? What value do you add in what you do? It doesn’t matter at all if you aren’t wealthy or if you aren’t famous or aren’t “getting ahead”. What matters is that you are taking the gifts and talents that God has given you and that in thanks for that you are doing your best with them.
  6. Rest. It is a commandment for good reason. The balance between work and rest was preordained and we need to stick to the formula for our best spiritual, mental and physical health.

Work is an essential part of life. Not something to dread or despise, nor something that should be the primary focal point. How we live our lives, and the part that work plays in it, must be driven by what God has revealed to us- through scripture, and through the Church. Ultimately, what matters is whether we put Jesus first in all aspects of our lives.

To a young woman

To the beautiful young woman who visited us on Friday,

You have no idea how much joy you brought to our home. I know that you may have been reluctant to come given the history. This visit was the first time I ever saw you sober. I think I kicked you out of my apartment the previous time I saw you a couple of years ago. I had advised my son not to see you any more. I am glad he didn’t listen to me.

You have been sober for over a year, and I can’t imagine the strength it took you to get where you are today. You are physically stunning- an outward manifestation of the work that has gone to building your heart and soul. I loved hearing you talking about your relationship with God and all that has meant in your journey. I love the big cross you wear and the story behind it. You inspire me!

I have also had time to reflect on where I may have failed you. Did I try to get you help when it was apparent you needed it? Did I pray enough for your healing? Did I ever do anything that reflected Jesus to you? I am afraid the answer to all of these things is no. For that I am very sorry. I am honored that despite that you wanted to spend time with me, but that says more about you than about me. I look forward to developing our friendship.

I also will try to learn from this- and I hope that when the next opportunity comes along where perhaps I can act differently, and maybe be light in the darkness, I will recognize it and act on it. I thank you for helping me to see that I need to do this. Thank you for your witness on this planet which needs hope so badly. I know your journey, as with all of us, is still in motion. I hope if you ever need a hand I can be there for you.

With Love.

Sin and the Will of God

There are two things on my heart today as I begin to write this post, which are:

  1. We don’t get a vote on what sin is, and
  2. There is wisdom available to us to better understand God, if we choose to seek it

These two points seemed to me to be unrelated when I first started thinking about it, but eventually I saw that they are incredibly connected.

On point #1, with all of the debate going on in this country about abortion “rights”, the question of what is sin isn’t driving the discussion as it probably should be- because most people in our post-Christian nation don’t care about sin. I understand this because for many years I also didn’t care about sin. Even after becoming a Christian, there were certain areas of sin that I chose not to believe were actually sins. If you look at our hyper-sexualized society today, where the messaging everywhere indicates that it is normal for everyone (increasingly even kids) to be sexually active, it can be hard to believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But it is. I really didn’t believe this for many, many years. It is easy to want to write your own rule book.

I have heard many people (including myself) rationalize that if you are in a monogamous, loving, adult relationship, how can expressing that love be wrong? The answer is…because God says it is. Very plainly. Ultimately the deeper I have gotten in my Catholic walk the more I see that God’s ways are not my ways – and for that I am very thankful! But for my life to be an offering to Him, the only appropriate response is to try as best I can to know what is sin, and to turn away from it. Therefore, what I might want to be a sin, or not a sin, is totally irrelevant. What matters is what God wants. Period.

This leads to the second point, which is how do you really know what God wants? I recently read the short story “Leaf, by Niggle”, by J.R.R. Tolkien. I can’t stress enough how much I believe that every Catholic should read this story. Tolkien was of course a very devout Catholic, and his ability to paint a picture that answers the questions of “what is the meaning of my life”, and “what happens in purgatory” and so many other things that many of us ponder, is impressive. I am not suggesting that his short story is accurate in the sense that he cracks some sort of secret code, but rather he captures some truths so vividly that it certainly gave me pause to consider answers to these questions differently.

But here is the thing- whether it is in reading the Bible, going to Mass, participating in the Sacraments, reading Christian literature, pondering God’s creation, saying the rosary and prayer in general, reading the Catechism, speaking with your priest, being in fellowship with other believers….and on, and on, and on, we have so many ways available to us to understand God better. He wants us to know Him and He has given us many avenues to do this. Once we know Him better, we know what He wants us to do- and importantly, what he does not want us to do.

Our job, as created beings, is to seek the will of our creator, and to follow that will. Alone we can’t do it, but with His grace, all things are possible!

Fear the Lord- He is not Mocked

One of the agreements I made with myself in 2019 was to read the entire Bible, cover to cover. I bought The Great Adventure Bible which has some great commentary- and I started on the journey. I began with the New Testament, which is relatively easy to get through- it is familiar, it is short, and much of it is very relatable. I then went back to the beginning to the Old Testament. While some of it is also compelling, I will say that there are parts that are very hard for me to focus on.

I was slogging through the Book of Numbers – which has many parts that read like a census (since that was, in part, what it was)- so super dry reading. I try- really. But my mind wanders and I wonder what the message is that I am supposed to get out of it. And then I happened upon Numbers 14:11-12, which reads:

And the Lord said to Moses, “How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me in spite of all the signs which I have wrought among them? I will strike them with the pestilence and disinherit them, and I will make of you a nation greater and mightier than they.”

This really gave me pause. Now first of all, the amount of signs that God had given the Israelites were vast- the parting of the Red Sea, the delivering of Manna from heaven, appearing in a pillar of fire and so much more. So on the one hand, as a reader the Israelites seem like very exasperating people – because geez, if you can’t believe after you have seen all that, what more do you need? But then I quickly realized that every generation- all of us- have seen incredible signs, but we have to choose to focus on them. Like the Israelites, we live in a world where ignoring the gifts and the power of God seems more common than recognizing and appreciating them.

Whether it is the miracles of Jesus – and of course His Resurrection, or the appearances of the Blessed Virgin Mary at Fatima, Lourdes, or Tepeyac Hill- there are thousands to choose from. But there are also the every day miracles- the prayers answered, the conversions that happen. They are all there- and God makes Himself known in the beauty and majesty of nature, and also in the secret nudges we feel in our hearts. If we don’t see God’s power and love in our lives, it is because we have chosen to ignore it. If we want to see it – all we need to do is ask, because He promised that in Mathew 7:7.

So we should ask ourselves as a world in 2019- how long will we despise Him? How long will we not believe in Him? For those of us who love and believe, what are we doing to show others that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life?

The last sentence in this part of Numbers (“I will strike them…”) also seemed like something that could have been written to the world of 2019 rather than so many thousands of years ago. Although we are under a New Covenant with God because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, God is as He has always been- which is to say Infinitely Just. For the world to turn its collective back on God is not something that, based on this passage, He would take lightly. It is a wake up call for all of us to encourage all of our brothers and sisters – every person- to turn to the Lord and be thankful for all the good gifts He has given us.

We know that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom” (Prov 9:10)- but it seems that in many Christian circles we have so watered down the message of God’s Just nature that we can’t imagine a God that we need to fear. While God is also Love, it does not negate the justice. I believe that as individuals, but as a country and as a world, we would do well to not only focus on the mercy and love of the Lord, but also on why it is that the fear of the Lord is appropriate and necessary. As we know from Galatians 6:7 “…God is not mocked.” This should really give us pause.

Ever wonder what to confess?

It has been reported that St John Paul II went to confession every day. This really gets me thinking about the nature of sin, and where I could be falling short. I generally go to confession about once a month- sometimes more, sometimes less. On any given day perhaps I am short tempered, or I may fall into gossip, or even tell a white lie. All are obviously confession worthy sins (even now, I notice how I say “white lie”- like I am trying to make a lie not so bad…this weak nature, creature that I am, can be incredibly frustrating and tedious!).

What could St John Paul be confessing every day? I am sure he wasn’t a compulsive gossip, so what would he find to confess? It reminds me of a talk I heard Scott Hahn give at my parish last fall. He was talking about how we are always comparing ourselves to each other and trying to either show how we are better than the next guy, or feeling bad because we perceive someone else to be smarter, more successful etc than us. He said that in reality, in comparison to God, we are all just like tiny blades of grass. So yes, one blade may be taller or shorter than another, but the comparison that matters is relative to the magnificence of God- and in that we all fall woefully short.

So I would imagine that perhaps St John Paul recognized this better than I do, and perhaps he was contemplating how utterly limited he- and we all- are, in comparison to our creator. So this got me thinking about the things that I am not doing (sins of omission), that need to be confessed, in addition to the obvious bad things that I do (sins of commission):

  1. Am I really doing all I can for the “least of these”? Could I be visiting people who are lonely or in prison. In New York City you don’t have to look too far to find people in need or who are isolated. What else could I be doing to help them?
  2. Am I seeing Jesus in every person I encounter? Am I loving them the way He loves them?
  3. Am I grateful for the challenges and suffering or do I want things to go my way?
  4. Do I pray without ceasing?
  5. Do I care only about what God thinks of what I do, or do I try to please people as well?
  6. Do I take every opportunity I can to go to mass, read God’s holy Scriptures, and pray?

When I think about it like this, it makes it pretty clear how I could go to confession every single day. While I am not sure I will get there that regularly, perhaps shifting from once a month to once a week is in order- and also praying for God’s grace to be able to do more of these things that are required of all of us Christians. I may be a blade of grass, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Preppers for Glory!

Have you watched this video about the Jewish Harvard Professor who converted to Catholicism? I have seen it a few times, and I feel like there is always something new that I get out of it. I watched it yesterday with my mother, and what jumped out at me this time is that this time that we have in this life on this earth has a purpose. The reason we are here is to love and serve God and to get ourselves ready for eternity.

My youngest son likes the tv show “Doomsday Preppers”. It’s all about people who are anticipating some cataclysmic event (Yellowstone Super Volcano! Nuclear War! Economic Collapse!) – and they intend to be the ones who survive the disaster while the rest of humanity perishes. They may end up having the last laugh, but I always have this nagging feeling when I see this show, that the amount of effort they are expending is disproportionate to the value. They would say “what is more important than your life and the life of your loved ones?”, to which I would say “I am glad you asked!!”.

As is highlighted in the video link with the Harvard Professor, it is clear that the condition of our souls and how and where we spend eternity is far more important. What I found myself pondering, however, was how best to focus on – how to put as much effort into the preparation for eternity as the Doomsday Preppers put into getting ready for the next widespread disaster? Most of us have jobs, families, obligations which we have to do, so living a life in contemplative prayer or going to church every day may seem out of reach – but is it? Here are a few of my thoughts on this:

  1. We can’t wait for the day when we aren’t so busy to put God first. Just being practical- none of us know when we are going to get hit by a bus or otherwise taken out, so believing that we will eventually have time to make God the priority is definitely a false sense of security.
  2. God will give each of us the grace to put Him first if we ask for it. So rather than starting with the “I can’t” thoughts, start with the “He can!” thoughts. Before our feet hit the floor in the morning if we ask God to help us to love Him above everything else, and we offer every bit of our day- our entire life- to Him, that is a great way to start.
  3. But then…as soon as the feet hit the floor the treadmill of life begins, right? Whether it’s making lunches for the kids or racing off to an important meeting, most of us hear our morning alarm clock like the starting gun in a sprint-and that race lasts until we fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day. However, no matter how busy we are we can:

a) Offer our labors as a sacrifice to God- before going into that meeting or as we make the sandwiches for our kids, give our work to God. No matter how imperfect or limited we are, rather than grumbling we can make all our efforts a gift.

b) We can be thankful and life our prayers in gratitude to God. My favorite is how on FlyLady.com housecleaning is referred to as “blessing our families” – and for someone like me who doesn’t love house work, reminding myself of the abundance in my life, and opportunity it is to bless my household- it totally changes the mindset from begrudging to grateful!

c) Actively seeking opportunities to pray (how about on the commute to work? in the restroom? walking to the grocery store?), most of us will find that there are many more opportunities to commune with the Lord than just church on Sunday! Finding ways to bless the people we come in contact with is also a way to be in service to our brothers and sisters. Trying to see Jesus in every person we encounter, and offering them a smile or a word of encouragement will do more to improve your day than almost anything else.

4. Take some time to plan the night before as well. Is it possible to go to a mass at lunchtime, for instance? Can you read a chapter or two of the Bible before going to bed at night? Being mindful (and planning) how we can put God first, makes everything else fall into place properly. We make time for what matters to us. If we, like the fellow in the video, have the opportunity to see our lives fully, and evaluate where we spent time and what was important to us, will it look like God was a priority?

Someone once said that if you don’t like going to church, heaven may not be that much fun for you. I don’t know really if that is the case- because I am sure heaven’s magnificence trumps what we have on earth, but I think the message is directionally correct. If we enjoy spending time with the Lord- in prayer, in His word, in communion with other believers in prayer, and most importantly in receiving the Holy Eucharist, it is probably a good sign that we are investing in the most important relationship of our lives. So rather than be a Doomsday Prepper, we can become Preppers for Glory!

Focusing on the State of our Souls

There is a popular quote, often (and apparently incorrectly) attributed to C.S. Lewis, which says:

“You don’t have a soul, you ARE a soul. You have a body.”

Irrespective of who originally said this, I have been captivated in thinking about it this week. Now that Holy Week is over and the triumph of the Easter celebration is done- the thoughts of the meaning behind Jesus’ resurrection are still very fresh on my heart.

Jesus- existing as the Word since the beginning of time, has always been a soul. He came some 2,000 years ago to this world and took on a body to accompany that soul. He then went with that body to live in Heaven as he Ascended after the Resurrection. But what we know about Jesus’ Resurrected body was that it was different than ours- he appeared and disappeared to the apostles, for instance.

We are also souls, but I think we often think of ourselves as physical- as a “body”- first. That’s why we often fear death- because it is the “end”- even though we know that as Christians we will live eternally. The issue isn’t whether life ends, it is where we will be spending eternity! We know that when Jesus returns, our bodies will also be resurrected. I have no idea what that will look like or whether we, like Jesus, will be able to appear and disappear- I will have to wait and see!

But what I do know, is that if we create a stronger awareness of ourselves as primarily souls that temporarily inhabit the current body we have, perhaps we would think differently about our lives and the lives of others. For instance:

  1. The premium that we as a society place on looks and image- would that matter if we really understood that the time we have on this earth is but a fraction of a moment in comparison to the time we will spend in eternity?
  2. Would our priorities be the same if it really registered that the state of our soul is going to matter forever, whereas the state of our bank account, waist line, social status etc will all be like dust shortly after our physical demise?
  3. Focusing on what happens to our soul in eternity – to the extent we an understand that (of course the Bible provides some pretty detailed explanations of that!) – would that change our decisions today?

I don’t think any of this means that we shouldn’t treat our bodies with respect- it is in fact what is housing our souls here on earth, as well as a gift from God and a temple of the Holy Spirit. But our culture encourages us to worship our bodies, which is a patently mistaken understanding of what this body is- and causes us to mourn when we see this body starting to fall apart.

I am not saying that I love having wrinkles and flabby skin, gray hair and all other manner of signs of aging- but I can look to St. John-Paul II as a brilliant example of someone who unashamedly showed the world what the ravages of age does to a body- to let us know that it is normal, and right and ultimately good. Those are messages we don’t have enough of in our world. The beauty of his soul shone through the tremors of Parkinson’s disease and provides a path for us to focus more on the state of our soul than on the condition of our fragile bodies. From dust we were made and to dust we shall return- but our souls will literally live forever!

Holy Week is Here!

It’s easy to feel like there is always so much to do, but it is also easy to get busy with stuff that doesn’t much matter. I went to the Stations of the Cross on Friday, and I have plans to go this week again, on Wednesday and again on Friday. I found it to be an incredible reflection – on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, but also on the importance of taking Holy Week as a time to really remember what it is important.

My plans, my goals, my “to do” list are really rubbish. What matters is God’s will for my life, and my ability to sit still and listen to His instruction. I received this beautiful message from one of the mothers at my son’s school (her name is Monet Weeks and she is the Prayer Lead for the Parent Council at the Geneva School of Manhattan)- and it really spoke to me, so I am sharing it in its entirety for you:

It is amazing how many day-to-day experiences can be easily applied to my relationship with our Heavenly Father. Like, the time I specifically instructed my son not to jump in the bathroom. His disobedience led to a split tooth and early removal by the dentist. Or, the time my daughter disregarded my instruction concerning her interaction with a friend and ended up with a broken heart. One day I shook my head in amazement, and thought to myself, “If I had someone instructing me on the do’s and dont’s of this world, I would just listen.” I was I instantly convicted. I do have someone. God’s book of instruction, the Bible, is a blueprint for life. Isn’t it interesting that as parents we sometimes forget that we, too, don’t always follow our Father’s guidance? I wonder how many times God has held His head in disbelief. Times that He saw from the beginning of time and knew that his daughter/son would need a savior. God knew that He would give His all and I would in return offer a fraction of myself. Still, “He sent His one and only begotten son, so that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16.
In Mark 15:-6-20, we read the account of Jesus’s experience at the hands of the Roman soldiers. He was mocked, spat on, made to wear a crown of prickly thorns, and ultimately crucified on an old rugged cross, all for me. Further in verse 37, we read, “ Jesus cried out with a loud voice and breathed his last.” Those who loved and followed Him mourned the loss. The loss of a son. The loss of a leader. The loss of a friend. The finality of death is painful, but that’s not how this story ends. On the third day, the stone was rolled away, and our savior rose from the dead. Mary Magdalene, Mary Mother of Jesus and Salome visited His tomb, and Mark 16:16 says, that the angel declared, “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here.” Christ conquered death, but His journey to the Sanhedrin, to Pilate, to the cross, and ultimately resurrection, was not easy. Every second of Jesus’ existence on earth applied to His mission. This sinful world needed Him, and His obedience to His Father resulted in the cruxifixction of the worthy Lamb of God. Talk about life application!
As we celebrate the resurrection of Christ during this Holy Week, let us always be humbled in knowing that the Lord of Lords, and Kings of Kings, spilled His precious blood for you-and every drop of it was priceless.

Monet’s words really touched my heart- and was a great reminder that Jesus loves each one of us, individually and as if no one else existed on this earth (as Mother Angelica frequently reminded us). Let’s take this Holy Week to remember the ultimate love that our Heavenly Father has for us!

Beyond Biting Your Tongue

Last week I wrote about how biting your tongue is necessary – to create the self discipline around communicating with others. I recognize that for me, one of the main things I need to work on is controlling what I say. This can be anything from not gossiping, not being overly critical, or recognizing when silence is just golden.

I have thought quite a lot about this idea of disciplining my tongue- and of course the Bible has quite a lot to say on this topic as well. Matthew 15:11 tells us that “a man is not defiled by what goes into his mouth, but by what comes out of it.” Defiled is a pretty strong assessment- but it makes sense. So much of the hurt and destruction in this world is rooted in what we say. Unfortunately words do cause real pain.

As I have tried to harness my words, I have found that there is a deeper problem, and that is in my thinking. I wouldn’t be tempted to say something harsh if the irritation wasn’t building up in my thoughts. I wouldn’t have to guard against gossip if there wasn’t a part of me that enjoyed talking behind someone’s back. All of the problems of saying what shouldn’t be said start with thinking what shouldn’t be thought.

So although the biting of the tongue is a good place to start in terms of not having a negative impact on others, it seems to me that getting to the root of the problem is necessary to actually begin to grow in holiness. The real goal is to get a mind that is thinking right thoughts, from a spiritual perspective. I am far from there in terms of achieving this, but fortunately there are plenty of people who are far smarter than I am who have considered what to do to grow and develop in this way. These include:

  1. Spend more time in God’s word. Without a doubt, when I am reading scripture daily I am better equipped to focus on what is good, holy and righteous. Spending more time in the world- watching tv, scrolling in social media etc- leads to thinking that can be negative, critical, and just plain counterproductive. Colossians 3:2 tells us to “set our minds on things above, not on earthly things”- and the Bible is the manual that God has given us to do just that!
  2. Spend more time in prayer- and particularly praying for the people in my life who I may be inclined to be irritated with, short tempered with or anything else that could lead to a negative outcome. Really focusing on how all of these people are made in the image and likeness of God- and how I am no less a sinner than they are- helps to keep it all in perspective. Taking time to pray for them really helps to grow in love and appreciation for the people in my life as well.
  3. Spend more time with Christian brothers and sisters, lifting each other up and encouraging each other in holiness. I realized a few months back that I have quite a lot of male friends who are Christian (by virtue of working in a nearly all male environment for so many years). I had significantly fewer women in this category. So I have made a point of it to try to get to know more women who care to discuss these topics so that we can really encourage one another. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love my non-Christian friends, nor that the men who are Christians aren’t also terrific. What it does mean is that there is a time and a place for Christian people of the same gender to support one another in a unique way, and I appreciate that this area of my life is developing.
  4. Guard what goes into my mind. Being diligent about what I read, watch, listen to etc- to make sure that it elevates rather than debases my thinking is key. I have some great Catholic and Christian books on my night stand – reading them every day is the (not quite yet achieved) goal. More challenging is what to watch (if anyone has great movie suggestions I would love to hear them!). I do love EWTN and try to watch it as often as possible.
  5. Spend more time at Church and in the sacraments. How often I say “I plan to go to Adoration”, or “this week I will go to an extra mass”, or “now I will go to weekly confession” – but something else creeps onto the schedule and I miss. The more time we spend with Him in His house, the more we grow- in faith, in love, in becoming who He wants us to be. It’s as simple as that.
  6. Spend more time in nature. I recently went on an 8 day sailing trip and it was hard not to be confronted with the wonder of God’s creation regularly. This world is incredibly beautiful, but it is easy to lose sight of that if you spend your days under fluorescent lighting, cooped up indoors. The incredible majesty of this world inspires awe- and helps to give a glimpse of the Creator!

All of this is very much a work in progress for me, but it is better to put one foot in front of the other and try to do the things that will help us out. Recognizing that any growth we experience is a gift given to us by the grace of God is key. Alone we can achieve nothing, but with his mercy we can perhaps get our thinking focused more on Him. As Philippians 4:13 tells us “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!”.

Bite Your Tongue!

Someone once said that you can evaluate the quality of a marriage by the bite marks on the tongue. What was meant by that is that there is huge value in biting your tongue, i.e. not speaking out in anger or criticism- and the results are a much higher level of marital bliss. This advice, which is good advice in all relationships (not just marriage), is contrary to the wisdom of the world, in which all of our opinions need to be shared ad nauseam and the most important thing is “speaking my truth” no matter who it offends.

As we look to the lives of the saints as role models for our behavior, clearly the Blessed Virgin Mary stands apart as a unique example of perfect self discipline, love, patience and charity. She needed no bite marks on her tongue, because her mind and heart would not have been predisposed to lash out, as our are. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, because I recognize that my own disposition is far from holy- and my mind can conjour up all manor of negative things to think about people- which then requires vigorous tongue biting to keep it from spilling out!

I am reminded often that the fruits of the spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control- are, as the name implies, not generated by ourselves but rather are gifts we are given by the grace of God. My perpetual mistake is to try to generate these positive qualities on a consistent basis by myself. Once I fail I am reminded that I need to ask for God’s grace to be able to really access these incredible gifts. Our Mother Mary is always there waiting to help us, waiting to raise our requests with her venerable voice to her Blessed Son.

I am also reminded that my timing is not God’s timing. I had a recent experience where I was interacting with someone who I found really, really irritating. I was determined to bite my tongue, but the negative thoughts were always there in my mind- and I itched to tell someone about the offenses I had to suffer at the hands of this insufferably annoying person. I prayed for the person, I prayed to not find them annoying, I prayed to stop thinking about them, I prayed to try to see them the way God sees them. I remained annoyed, and I bit my tongue.

This went on for days- and what I realized in the process was that I really needed the exercise of biting my tongue. The point was not that this person was annoying, the point was that I really yearned to turn to a friend or confidant and say “you will never guess what so and so said to me!”. Had God said “yes” to my prayer to free me from being bothered by this person, I never would have fully grasped how much pleasure I actually derive from gossiping (because really, telling someone how much someone annoys you over relatively trivial things is just gratuitous gossip).

In the end, as is so often the case, the problem was far less with the other person, than it was with me. The exercise of really biting my tongue showed me that I have a long, long way to go before my heart is like Mary’s – but that I need to ask God to continue to help shape me so that, in what seems like really small baby steps, maybe I can grow to have a heart that can really love and overlook the small affronts and little hurts. Looking at the Cross and seeing the love that Jesus poured out on those who persecuted Him, makes a little biting of the tongue seem like the absolutely trivial exercise that it actually is.